The Hitman’s Bodyguard is Definitely Not a Hit, Man

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VP Print Charlie Bertram comes to SU:Media with his laugh out loud review of The Hitman's Bodyguard - which, in his words, 'is definitely not a hit, man.'

I’m going to cut straight to the chase: this film will have you lusting after the 4D experience simply in the hope that it features real bullets that will put you out of your misery. OK, maybe that’s a little bit harsh. It’s not that the film is bad necessarily; it’s just bland. Everything is predictable.

I’ll hold my hands up and admit that I’m the type of person to sit through a film and go “he’s a double agent” or “she’s clearly just interested for this reason” only for a few minutes later to be proved right and have a smug I-told-you-so grin spread across my face. In fact, my girlfriend has banned me from talking through films as my sheer future-telling ability can ruin most storylines. For me, however, it’s simply the sign of a good film. If I can’t predict what’s going to happen, that means it’s doing something new; something exciting; not the same old recycle plotlines Hollywood defers to for some quick bucks.

The issue with this film can be summed up by the fact that my girlfriend, who normally can’t see a plot-twist if it was served to her on a silver platter surrounded by flashing Christmas lights and set on fire, predicted the whole story after just 10 minutes.

Samuel L. Jackson plays his standard loud-mouthed charade that seems to have swallowed an undercooked urban dictionary and is thus overwhelmed by the urge to spew swear after swear whenever he can. I’d put good money on the script holding more curses than a Salem witch’s autobiography. There were so many accusations that people had fornicated with their own mothers that I was not only beginning to wonder how he knew them all on such a personal level, but why they would share such information so easily. Surely that’s something you’d want to keep under wraps as much as possible?

The humorous, charming agonist, Ryan Reynolds, delivers a strong performance which doesn’t grow tiresome like other characters.

Gary Oldman plays a very convincing Russian president. So much so that you’ll hardly recognise him. Him and Reynolds are the clear stand-outs which are limited not by their potential, but the unimaginative story-line.

At first, Salma Hayak’s character as the hard-knuckled wife to Jackson is humorous and unexpected. Yet, I imagine the first scene received positive feedback from test audiences and so each scene is essentially a repeat of the last, gradually wearing you down as the shock-factor wears off.

One of the biggest issues with the film lies not with the actors, but with the producers. The entire film features a hazy bright light as though the whole thing was a dream-sequence or the Lord had come down from the heavens to deliver divine intervention. In fact, the almighty’s presence wouldn’t have been out of place, seeing as the story-line had been put to death.

The film isn’t all bad. There are points where you’ll chuckle, but it’s so uninspired these moments will be overshadowed by the sighs and predictability.

Score – 3 Freudian diagnosis’ out of 10

If it didn’t manage to convince such big names to climb on-board, it would have been a made-for-TV film shown on Movies4Men at 2am.

Charlie Bertram


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